My Query Critique

I received my Query Critique back the other day and was more than thrilled with the comments and suggestions.  You may recall I won a Query Critique by the members of the Writer Therapy blog [see here].  I've removed names for privacy, not that it really matters I suppose, but I thought it would be fair.

Here is what the email said about my query:

Kristie,

Wow, you have a great query here! I was really impressed. I think the biggest things you need to look at are

1. Shortening your query pitch -- the MAXIMUM length an agent wants to see is around 2 paragraphs. That will help you really get to the heart of the story, and give your query great focus. 
2. The consequence (the final sentence of the query pitch) is too muddled. She is faced with enslavement, but I'm not quite sure what that means. I would cut the "breaking down defenses" bit, because it just confuses me further, and focus on the enslavement, and how she'll lose her freedom forever (or whatever that entails) -- that is an AMAZING consequence if you nail it right.
3. You mention the Phoenix, and I am never clear if they are paranormal creatures (ie: werewolves) or if that is just the name of their group. Rather than clarifying, it might be easier just to take the name out and leave it vague in the query. You want the reader to be asking the right questions -- questions that pull them in -- rather than questions about the clarity of the story. If you do want to keep it in, just move Phoenix closer to the area where you describe what that is. I think that will solve the issue easily.   
4. The Title: Titles changes so often in the publishing company, but it is something that can really be used in a query letter to set you apart. Mostly because it is in the subject of the email, and if it is something that really appeals to an agent, they might be tempted to open it right away. So use the title to your advantage. The Phoenix: A Gathering -- that doesn't set it in a genre. It could even be non-fiction about the city of Phoenix (which is how I read it, at first). So you want something that really sets apart your story. 
5. Paranormal - I don't read this as a paranormal. The paranormal genre has pretty much trimmed down to anything that is werewolves/vampires/paranormal creatures. Your Phoenix people seem human enough. So I would look at the story and see if it is light scifi or fantasy, or some sub-genre of those. Also, paranormal is out, so sometimes that means automatic rejection. Sometimes it won't, but you don't want that risk. It reads more like a suburban fantasy to me (if it's set in a city and has a darker edge to it). 

I have more notes in the query itself. If you have any questions, feel free to email me to clarify. Hope this helps!! You really have a great story idea there, and I'd love to see this on the book shelf someday. Good luck!

So, in case you were wondering what a critique looks like, here you go (click on the image to enlarge).

 

Thanks to everyone at Writer Therapy, you guys are great!